You know how sometimes you go out shopping for a dinosaur head, but you find something else that you just can’t NOT buy, but you manage to go home without it anyway, but then it haunts your dreams until you just *have* to go back and get it? Sometimes that thing is 22 inches of rock hard walrus love. The technical name is a “baculum”, the Inuit call it an “oosik.” You would know it as a fossilized walrus penis bone. Sure, 22 inches sounds like a lot, but by walrus standards, it’s not particularly impressive. I think it’s somewhere around the upper end of average(aren’t we all). I’m sure my boy here could take care of business. It’s not like a 4 and a half foot walrus penis, but we can’t all be world record holders. But still, suddenly, mine is so…inadequate. How can I expect to impress you with a fossilized walrus penis, when there’s an Internet Famous one that makes mine look like the John Wayne Bobbit of walrus penii? Sigh. Try not to laugh. I swear, it gets much bigger if you click on it.
Now, you might think it’s a little strange to own a walrus penis. To that, I can only say this: Dave Barry has one, conclude what you must. In fact, mine is cooler than his, even though his has a name, Walter. Sadly though, Walter is a broken penis. The ring in the middle is where the break occurred. Mine, on the other hand, is in damned fine shape, thankyouverymuch. Apparently, walrus penises get broken pretty often. I dunno if that’s cuz walruses like the rough stuff, or if it’s just hazardous to be draggin’ that thing behind you like a rudder. I guess technically that makes his the John Wayne Bobbit of walrus penii, while mine is just not big enough to be Internet Famous. He’s still rich enough to buy the world record holder though, so I guess I can’t exactly lord it over him. You know, if he knew I existed — hypothetically. And if walrus penises were something one could lord over another. Which they definitely are not, unless you’re lording them menacingly like a club.
This particular specimen is 10,000-50,000 years old, and hails from Alaska, where the Inuits have used these for centuries to make knife handles and clubs. As it happens, oosiks are *fantastic* for clubbing seals and making knife handles. You see, Alaska is cold, really cold. The kind of cold that’s just sick and wrong. The kind of cold that makes things you think of as strong and durable turn weak and brittle. The last thing you’d want is for your knife, or your favorite seal clubbing club to shatter on you right in the middle of clubbing season. Traditional bone handles become weak and shatter at those temperatures. You need something really strong, really dense, and that doesn’t get brittle when it gets cold. Something like bone, except made of rock. You need something exactly like a fossilized walrus penis.
Poor little seal is sittin’ there, minding his own business, when all of a sudden, some Eskimo waddles up on his snowshoes, and cockslaps him upside the head with an immense fossilized cock. I just couldn’t cockslap a cute, tasty seal. No way. I bet even The Nuge couldn’t do that. I have a strict rule against eating cute animals. Ok, more of a guideline. I mean, ok, those people got a really raw deal, and an Eskimo’s gotta eat, but can’t we just give them casinos and call it even? Those things usually have pretty nice food courts.
The knives they make are called “ulu”, and they’re kinda neat by themselves. I’ll definitely have to get one someday. Someday before they stop making the knives, and start running the casinos, that is. Shit’s always crazy overpriced in the gift shop.